


diphylleia grayi

by shizuruu



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Coming Out, Depression, Executive Dysfunction, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pre-Slash, hansol/happiness, lapslock, this is not mainly about shipping but mainly about hansol getting attention and love idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-24 14:12:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7511426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shizuruu/pseuds/shizuruu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hansol deals with college. a lot of people do that so it's not that big of a deal. hansol also deals with his friends, mental illness, bills and internalized homophobia. that's a bit more tough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smugmaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smugmaster/gifts).



> hello please don't proceed to read if you're a member of topp dogg otherwise have fun.  
> seriously, i love you hansol, but go read H.O.T. slash fic instead.

hansol wakes up to the sound of steps in the hallway. soon the steps near his apartment and he hears the door unlocking. it must be jiho coming back from a party. jiho's steps are soft as he approaches hansol's bed to check if he's asleep. hansol closes his eyes and evens out his breathing. jiho worries about him too much sometimes - it doesn't make hansol angry, just frustrated.

he has trouble falling asleep again. he can hear jiho's soft breathing from the other side of the room. hansol lies awake, on his back, staring at the ceiling. his vision is strangely blurry and his eyes burn slightly. after what feels like an hour, he gets up and takes his blanket to the living room. he settles down there, on the cold leather couch, wrapping himself in the blanket. hansol turns on the tv, lowering the volume to the minimum. he switches from channel to channel, mostly only r-rated action movies and shitty reruns of reality tv are on at this time though. he stops on a retro music channel and watches bowie dance in high heels. his breathing calms and he closes his eyes not long after.

* * *

 

 

jiho finds hansol in the morning, curled up on the couch in a position that has to make his neck hurt. he doesn't want to wake him up though, hansol always seems so tired lately. he goes to turn the tv off and smiles fondly at hansol's peaceful expression.

once jiho's finished with breakfast, hansol is groaning from the couch already.

"well good morning princess" jiho walks into the living room with coffee in hand.

"what time is it?" hansol croaks, throat dry.

"it's around half past 8, you can still go to sleep," jiho says and sits down on the armrest next to hansol.

hansol nods, but moves his head onto jiho's lap. his eyes are still closed but he won't fall asleep again. jiho softly runs his fingers through hansol's hair. it's all dry from bleaching and lack of care. usually hansol takes care of his hair well. usually hansol takes care of himself well in general.

sometimes he needs help though.

* * *

 

 

hansol gets out of his blanket nest almost an hour later, when jiho has already gone to his morning classes. he hesitates between showering and eating breakfast, but his shame wins and he ends up showering. he scrubs himself clean carefully, feeling tired already. exhaustion tugs at his very being and he drags himself out of the bathroom, towel draped around him like a cape. he ends up falling back on his bed, only able to bring himself to check his phone for messages and news. he replies to friends and checks out some updates on his favorite artists. the time is 9:25 now. he needs to be out by 9:40. yet he's unable to stop scrolling, unable to lift his legs that feel heavy with lead. five minutes before he needs to leave, he finally gets up and gets dressed. he wears a hoodie, unwilling to deal with people today. he leaves the apartment complex realizing he left his textbook at home but he can't go back for it now.

the drive to college is short and uneventful, passing by huge blocky buildings, which give off the vibe of an anthill more than a human house.

the college itself is in several buildings all over town but the art department is here, an old, unfitting building in the middle of a concrete jungle. students are hanging out in the garden, sitting on the grass and chatting happily, some of them sunbathing despite the temperature being still on the edge of chilly. hansol passes them by, some of them nodding at him but he doesn't have the strength to say hello to them.

someone catches up to him in the hallway though. it's sangwon, casually draping an arm around hansol's shoulders. hansol tries to shake him off briefly, but sangwon clings to him still.

"you look grumpy today hyung," sangwon notes.

"and you look ugly," hansol retorts but it has no bite to it.

"did your girlfriend dump you or what?" sangwon asks and sighs, taking hansol's bag from him and carrying it on his shoulder. hansol would protest but he doesn't have the energy to get into an argument over something so small.

"no, seeing as i don't fucking have one," hansol wriggles out of sangwon's grasp.

"i've been telling you if you went out more, you could find one easily."

"no thanks," hansol refuses and snatches his bag back from sangwon. he's already feeling way too irritated, despite sangwon's good intentions. sangwon shrugs and keeps following hansol into the classroom. hansol sits at the very back, in a corner, away from people. there's no one next to him (thank god) because sound doesn't carry well in the room, but hansol is content, having some space for himself. sangwon sits on hansol's desk and takes out his sketchbook. sangwon is in his first year at this college but he has art theory classes with hansol because he takes extra classes.

hansol's gaze softens when he realizes sangwon is here to ask him for advice. sangwon is loud sometimes, rude at other times but very sensitive at the same time. hansol listens to his worries about his newest art project, rather than giving advice, hansol tries to make sangwon realize his own wishes. sangwon still relies heavily on other people's validation, doesn't let his art be all-consuming and unapologetic. sangwon's art is sometimes crossing borders, it's edgy and a bit controversial, but never truly genuine.

five minutes before the lesson starts, sangwon goes to sit with sehyuk at the front. hansol curls up into himself, ready to suffer through a boring lecture again. he should have bought coffee, he realizes. it's not really that tasty, but it can usually get him through the day. he considers getting up and going to get some, but he's way too comfortable leaning against the cool wall. the lesson is about to start when a boy runs into the classroom. late arrivals aren't that uncommon but this boy is new here. hansol has never seen him around before. his hair is fluffy and brown and kind of messy. he's all bright and cheery and sunshine energy-like and hansol almost makes a gagging gesture when he smiles in hansol's general direction.

what's worse is that he obviously searches for a place to sit. hansol tries shooting metaphorical daggers at him, but the boy grins and approaches his desk.

"may i sit here?" he asks and before hansol has the chance to reply, their professor is entering the room.

the boy doesn't wait for hansol's answer either and sits down next to him. as professor woo sets up the presentation, he leans over (too close for hansol's liking) and introduces himself.

"i'm kim byungjoo, nice to meet you," he says and mimics a slight bowing movement.

"kim hansol," hansol nods slightly and turns away from byungjoo.

 

* * *

 

  
hansol is tired. his eyes close soon and he sleeps through most of the lecture. professor woo doesn't seem to notice, although byungjoo continuously sneaks worried glances at hansol. once the lesson is over, the class clears out quickly. even sangwon leaves without looking back. byungjoo and hansol are the only ones left inside. hansol is still asleep. byungjoo is about to shake him to wake him up, but as soon as he touches hansol, he jerks awake, breathing heavily. he seems a bit disoriented, but seeing byungjoo, he apologizes swiftly, bows and leaves.

byungjoo calls out to him but hansol doesn't hear him anymore.

 

* * *

  
when hansol arrives back home, he goes to sleep immediately. his head aches and his eyes are on fire probably. he sleeps on the couch, looking way too small curled up in there. what wakes him up isn't jiho coming home this time, it's a persistent ringing of the doorbell.

he rubs his eyes, annoyed. the pain is still thick in his skull and the sound makes it even worse.

behind the door is byungjoo, the boy from before. he bows as soon as he sees hansol and doesn't seem to notice that hansol is not wearing any pants.

"hi, you forgot to take your phone. you left it in the classroom," he explains and gives hansol his phone.

"thank you so much," hansol breathes out a sigh of relief. anxiety rushes through him at what could have happened if bjoo hadn't brought it to him. he now feels guilty for being so snappy earlier.

"it's okay," byungjoo scratches his head awkwardly. "i'm sorry for intruding, but i went to the college office and they gave me your apartment number and i wasn't sure if it was okay for me to come but i didn't know how else to find you"

"it's fine, i'm glad," hansol says. "could you wait a second? just stay here for a minute."

hansol reappears in less than a minute, this time with pants and his wallet and keys.

"i'll buy you coffee. as a thank you i mean," hansol announces, pretty confidently and byungjoo simply nods.

 

* * *

 

byungjoo orders hot chocolate instead, insists that coffee is bad for his stomach. they pick a small table by the door, the swishing of umbrellas near them as people come in and take off their rain-soaked clothes. neither of them expected the sudden downpour and so hansol almost ran-walked to the café, dragging byungjoo behind him by the wrist.

hansol's vision is slightly spinning (the sudden movement after an almost entire week spent in bed does that to you) but he's used to it, makes a mental note to take his medication on time tomorrow (he should be taking it in the morning, but usually can't be bothered getting out of bed that early).

"i've never seen you in art theory before," hansol states and smiles lazily.

"ah yeah," byungjoo laughs nervously. "i'm not really an art major but i needed the extra credit."

"shouldn't you have been going from the start of the semester though?" hansol asks curiously, taking a sip of his cappuccino.

"i wasn't really- hmm..." byungjoo sighs and clenches his fists, as if getting ready to say something important. "i was in a hospital," is all he says then. he meets hansol's eyes, gaze firm, almost defensive.

hansol nods. "well i hope you're feeling better now."

byungjoo laughs and asks hansol about his major.

"i'm an art major. i love painting a lot. it's fun, though the future of my field of study is a bit worrying," hansol shrugs.

"you still have time left to worry about that," byungjoo offers.

hansol smiles but doesn't reply. doesn't tell byungjoo that he's already working two part-time jobs just because he doesn't want to burden his mother with his bills. she has enough to worry about as it is. doesn't tell byungjoo that he worries about his future whenever his mind is left alone long enough to start wandering.

"i'm majoring in contemporary dance," byungjoo continues after a while of silence. "i like modern dance more but i wanna get a proper education first and then maybe start teaching dance to kids."

"do you like working with kids?" hansol asks. in the distance there's a roll of thunder and the skies are getting darker.

"yeah, i like kids. as long as they're young enough. at one point they start getting too... pubertal? i like them well enough though."

byungjoo grins at hansol, eyes crinkling up and it's pretty damn cute. byungjoo looks really young like this suddenly.

"how old are you?" hansol asks automatically.

"i'm 22," byungjoo replies.

"ahh i'm your hyung then," hansol nods, suddenly feeling a bit more responsible and protective.

"wait, you're not younger than me?" byungjoo blurts out before stopping himself and looking down at his hands in front of him.

hansol bursts out laughing. this kid is pretty cute after all.

 

* * *

 

  
hansol ends up running home in the downpour, byungjoo having already left to his dorms. jiho is there, sitting in the kitchen, talking to _yooncheol_ of all people. hansol's mood sours immediately. it's not that he hates yooncheol, it's just that yooncheol is about as sensitive as an elephant and always says the wrong things at the wrong time.

jiho stops yooncheol talking when he sees hansol storm past him to the bathroom. he knocks on the door a few times.

"hyung?" jiho calls out hesitantly.

"leave me alone," a gruff voice answers from behind the door. hansol seems to be in a bad mood yet again.

jiho goes back to tell yooncheol to leave, sorry, something came up. yooncheol makes a disgruntled face, seems to swallow down some insensitive comment about hansol's moodiness but leaves. jiho takes it upon himself to hang hansol's jacket on a chair and straighten up his shoes that were carelessly kicked off previously. when he's finished sweeping the floor, hansol comes out of the bathroom, in a shirt and boxers, small, almost apologetic. he disappears into his bedroom quietly and comes out in his pajamas.

jiho walks towards hansol. before he has the chance to say anything, hansol is already speaking up.

"sorry." his expression is genuine, his eyes tired. he doesn't seem sad, just exhausted.

"hyung, let's go back to your bed and you can tell me about your day, okay?" jiho asks and hansol nods slightly. hansol's bedroom is dark, curtains drawn, the air stale. jiho opens a window slightly, only to get some fresh air in. rain drums against the southern wall. hansol is already sitting in his bed, blanket wrapped tight around his shoulders.

jiho sits on the edge of the bed and hansol lays his head in jiho's lap. he tells him about the tiredness in his muscles, about the heaviness of his bones, about how today it was especially hard to get up, about sangwon's ever-so improving art. hansol talks about the dull ache at the back of his head, about the way words blurred together today at the lecture. hansol mentions a boy, and coffee and the terrible anxiety of almost having lost his phone. hansol in the end talks about how he shouldn't be so dissatisfied, because today was a good day, and he's just being ungrateful, right?

jiho runs his fingers through hansol's hair slowly, untangling the bleached mess.

"it's not your fault hyung. it was a long day, you're allowed to be tired and sad. it will be okay but you have to pull through now," jiho mumbles as he smooths out the hair on hansol's forehead.

hansol doesn't cry. he's just tired and exhausted and his body feels heavy and it's a bad day, not a bad life. he trusts jiho's fingers in his hair and that's enough for now. he falls asleep to the slight rocking of jiho's body and soft raindrops landing on his window. he will wake up in a few hours, throat parched and feeling terrible, but he sleeps for now.


	2. Chapter 2

hansol's mother calls on tuesday. she asks how he's been (good, don't worry), if he's been eating (yes, i have), whether jiho has been treating him well (yes, he has), if he needs anything (no, i don't, i'm fine). she's worried about him in a way that mothers always are, the fact that he's 23 doing nothing to lessen her worries because after all, he is still her only son, her youngest child. hansol loves his mother, but talking to her only leaves him with anxiety pooling in his stomach, a vague guilt because - he's not quite lying, but he's not telling her the truth either.

when she hangs up, hansol is left in the silence of his room all alone. jiho went outside, to have a life outside of comforting his useless roommate and hansol shouldn't be bitter because - you're being toxic right now, his brain helpfully reminds him - but just sometimes he wants to be the center of the universe, wants to be taken care of, wants to be the biggest priority for someone.

(and yes, jiho always asks if it's okay before he goes out, would never knowingly leave hansol alone if he knew he was going through a bad spell, but hansol can rarely bring himself to burden jiho further, to say "hey, i'm not okay, can you please stay here with me?". and so it all comes down to being hansol's own fault)

there's no comfort in staying holed up in his room, but he feels a desperate, hopeless sense of giving up whenever he thinks about going out, getting out of bed, eating, showering - doing whatever. he has no classes today but he has to work in the afternoon and just thinking about it makes him feel slightly nauseous.

his phone vibrates.

from: lovely jiho   
[12:23]  
have u eaten yet hyung?

hansol turns slightly in his bed, into a more comfortable position. with one hand he types a reply.

to: lovely jiho  
[12:24]  
no :(

he used to lie to jiho about having eaten but after finding out that jiho wouldn't scold him, would instead try to help him, hansol found himself opening up, telling the truth, not fearing the consequences. he goes on twitter, looks at news everyone is freaking over and in no time his phone vibrates again.

from: lovely jiho  
[12:28]  
im gonna be home in 10. dont fall asleep!!!

hansol smiles at his darkening screen, looks up and goes to open the curtains. the sun outside is hidden behind thin white clouds, the sky a milky grey. hansol opens one of the windows to let some fresh air in. a cat is sitting on the window opposite to hansol's room. it blinks at him slowly and lazily, stretching its paws and continuing its daily people watching routine. hansol inhales deeply. the air is sweet with blooming flowers, a bit heavy with the upcoming rain.

he ventures into the kitchen then, turning the lights off (their bill for electricity will be too high if jiho doesn't stop leaving the lights on) and sitting on the couch. he turns on the tv, flipping the channels absentmindedly until he finds a re-run of buffy the vampire slayer. buffy is in the middle of kicking some serious vampire ass when the door unlocks, jiho coming inside. behind him trails another boy, kind of like a confused puppy, except like ten times as tall.

"hyung, i brought a friend over," jiho calls out before spotting hansol on the couch.

the boy introduces himself as hyosang and bows awkwardly. jiho motions for him to sit on the couch and puts the takeout boxes on the table. there's fried chicken and three servings of rice.

hansol digs into the food immediately, listening to jiho's attempt to converse with hyosang, who has taken to replying only with one word because his mouth is constantly full of food. hansol is finished soon and excuses himself from the room, going to take his meds. yesterday's dosage is still in the box and he sighs. he should really start remembering to take his medication, but it's hard. after chasing the pills down with some water, he rejoins the two in the living room. the boy is still all limbs but he's laughing at something jiho said, almost choking on his rice in the process.

hansol pats the poor guy's back and hyosang smiles at him - except there's still rice in his mouth and some of it falls on the couch. trying not to laugh too much, hansol hands hyosang some napkins from the takeout bag. hyosang goes red in the face, tries to hide behind his snapback and cleans up the mess he made on the couch.

"um... i'm really sorry..." he offers but hansol is smiling a cat-like grin and leaning against the couch slightly.

"it's fine," hansol drawls and he spots jiho sending him the 'what the fuck are you doing' eyes. hansol rolls his eyes slightly - no fun allowed evidently and gets up from the couch, leaving jiho and poor stuttering mess of a hyosang alone.

 

* * *

 

  
jiho corners hansol half an hour later, in his room where hansol is reading. hyosang had just walked out the door and jiho was already standing above hansol condescendingly.

"why do you always do that," jiho points accusingly.

"do what?" hansol asks, not looking up from his book.

"flirt with my friends," jiho spits bitterly.

"i'm not flirting with your friends," hansol rolls his eyes.

"you're always flirting with my friends. you do your weird guy attracting mumbo jumbo and all i have to listen to for the next weeks is 'hansol this~' and 'hansol that~'."

"it's not my fault i'm attractive to them," hansol sits up, slightly irritated now.

"you're literally jumping at every opportunity to flirt with them. i don't fucking care if you're a fag but please stop trying to seduce everyone i bring over," jiho retorts and before he can catch himself, hansol has already punched him in the gut.

"fuck off. i'm not gay and i'm not flirting with your friends. it's not my fault you're so jealous," hansol grits out between his teeth and leaves the room, book abandoned on the floor.

 

* * *

 

  
when hansol comes out of the bathroom, it's only to collect his things and get dressed before going to work. he ignores jiho's attempts at talking to him and jiho gives up soon anyways.

it takes half an hour to get to work by bus. he turns off his phone after the third call from jiho. hansol's brain swirls with thoughts and mainly anger. whenever hansol even just interacts with any of jiho's friends playfully, jiho gets ridiculously angry. hansol is tired. he's not gay, he's dated girls before but he can still hear the way jiho stumbled over the word "fag", resonating in his head.

he folds his hands behind his head and breathes in. a female voice lazily announces the next stop. it will be time to get off soon. he wishes he could forget what happened and sleep.

 

* * *

 

  
sungah hands him the changing room keys, tells him to leave them by sanggyun when he's done. sanggyun is in the backyard, serving drinks to a large company of people (drunken and loud). hansol smiles at him encouragingly and pats his back after dropping the keys on his tray, sanggyun sending out a silent cry for help with his eyes as one of the older ladies asks him when he's finished working. hansol goes to the counter (working with people who take things out is so much less stressful), sungah already by one of the cash registers. hansol takes the one next to her, attempting a customer-friendly smile as he announces that this cash register is open.

the next twenty minutes are spent working in relative silence - he still hears the busy chatter of customers seated near him and has to talk to people ordering stuff, but him and sungah each have too much on their hands to actually talk to each other. when he finishes giving a teen girl her iced latte, sungah hops up on one of the bar stools behind the counter and gives him a pointed look. there's no one in the line now and technically one of them should probably go serve seated customers but neither of them want to do that.

"you look upset," sungah notes, crossing her legs. she's wearing very, very short shorts and the work apron covers her thighs only partly. another good reason for her to stay behind the counter.

"how do i look when i look upset?" hansol asks, busying his hands by wiping the counter down.

"you get that 'i'm an empty shell of a human, there is no hope for humanity, hurr durr' look when you think no one's looking. also you keep sighing," sungah shrugs.

hansol frowns at the attempt to imitate him but sungah is probably right.

"had a fight with my roommate," hansol admits.

"jiro?"

"jiho," hansol corrects her.

"aah yeah, you told me about him. was it over his snoring again?" sungah asks and leans her hand - sharply manicured but surprisingly short nails - against the counter.

"no? when have we ever fought about-? nevermind..." hansol rolls his eyes and turns to face approaching customers. two high school girls, still in their uniforms, come to him and order diet coke.

"so what was it?" sungah asks, ignoring the two girls.

hansol gives the girls change with a smile and they giggle as he says goodbye to them. this is stressful.

"he thinks i'm flirting with his friends," hansol sighs and turns to face sungah.

she makes an o shape with her mouth and stops in the middle of chewing on her gum.

"and are you?" she whispers.

"what? no! i'm not!" hansol hisses.

"so what's the problem then?"

"have i not explained it already? he thinks i'm trynna seduce his friends. i mean he called me a fucking _fag_ ," and once the word is out, hansol feels that same anger again, boiling in his stomach and there's no reason for him to feel this betrayed, this bitter because of a simple word but he does.

sungah takes a deep breath and jumps off the bar stool. "he called you what?"

"sungah you can't kill my roommate," hansol backs away slightly, paling.

"i never said i would kill him," sungah says but her positively furious expression seems to say otherwise.

but before this conversation can turn anymore dangerous, an old lady limps to sungah's cash register and coughs loudly. hansol soon has a customer too and he hopes that the conversation is forgotten, that sungah won't ask anymore questions, but he still tries to avoid eye contact with her, just to make sure. sungah's break comes a bit earlier than hansol's but she spends it glaring at him menacingly from behind her chocolate muffin she's eating at a nearby table.

 

* * *

 

  
when sungah gets off work, she comes up to hansol, this time without the black apron covering her thick thighs and pats him on the back. she almost says something to him, has a rare serious expression on her face, almost solemn, but seems to make up her mind otherwise and leaves without saying a word.

after sungah leaves, the new girl comes. she's only 17, blonde hair tied in a bun on her head and she listens carefully as he explains where's what. she beams up at him whenever he praises her for anything. she introduces herself as yeri and tries to chat him up during the short breaks they have from serving customers, but gets tired soon with hansol's one word replies. hansol feels the urge to apologize - explain that she's sweet but he's tired and not in the mood, but instead he just shoots her a weak smile and nearly runs out of the building once his shift is over.

the sky is dark already, but the streets are as busy and bustling as they were when he came. the neon lights and adverts hit his eyes uncomfortably and he feels tired - but he isn't ready to go home and face jiho yet. he turns on his phone. he has 13 missed calls, the last one an hour ago. he presumes jiho gave up on bothering him. he also has 13 new messages. 12 of them from jiho and one is from his mother.

from: lovely jiho  
[14:55]  
hyungg please cal me

from: lovely jiho  
[14:57]  
hyung im sory please call me

from: lovely jiho  
[15:03]   
you probably don't want to speak  
to me now i'm sorry that's ok  
please just tell me

from: lovely jiho  
[15:04]  
if you're safe or not

from:lovely jiho  
[15:17]  
i didn't mean what i said i'm   
really sorry. i just got angry  
and there's no excuse really.

from: lovely jiho   
[15:20]  
i know you don't flirt with   
my friends on purpose i just  
feel really frustrated when  
you are like that with

from: lovely jiho  
[15:21]  
them hyung. i didn't mean to  
call you a fag. i don't know   
why i did that. i'm sorry.

from: lovely jiho  
[16:04]  
i shouldn't have accused you  
of things and even if you're   
gay i still love oyu. what i   
said was out (1/2)

from: lovely jiho  
[16:05]   
(2/2) of line. please hyung   
talk to me when you get off  
work okay?

from: lovely jiho  
[20:55]  
i know you're getting off   
work soon and i just wanted  
to say that you don't have   
to call me or

from: lovely jiho  
[20:57]  
anything. i just want you to  
know i'm sorry. also today   
i'm staying over at a friend's  
place so please come

from: lovely jiho  
[21:00]  
home to sleep on time. i left  
some food in the fridge. don't  
forget to set your alarm. you  
have a test tomorrow.

that's the last message from jiho. it's 21:06 now, the bleary lights of his phone screen signifying that. hansol suddenly feels empty, he feels like there's something stuck in his throat and he can't properly breathe around it - because of course hansol was just being a brat and making jiho worry and getting upset over nothing serious. and jiho still worries about him. and he wants to throw up, and he kind of wants to cry but he also hears the same word: _'fag'_ ringing at the back of his mind.

he types out an answer with shaky fingers and before he can regret it, he hits send.

to: lovely jiho  
[21:09]  
ok

he goes to look at the other message, the one from his mother.

from: my mom <3  
[18:05]  
visited you, you were at work,  
left food with jiho, eat it   
well, love.

and he feels sick again because he punched jiho in the stomach and yet he didn't tell his mother anything, didn't want to make her worry and hansol feels so gross and ungrateful.

because even after all this he can't get that word out of his head.

_fag._


	3. Chapter 3

two weeks pass pretty uneventfully. when jiho comes back to their apartment, hansol pretends nothing happened and doesn't let him bring the subject up. he attends his lectures, sleeps through some of them and helps sangwon with his art project. he eats well, sleeps better, takes his medication and he feels like he's functioning pretty well again, despite the gnawing anxiety in his chest every morning.

that is because for these two weeks, everything is normal, except he wakes up early in the morning and can't fall back asleep. he's more tired in the evening but in the morning he's up as soon as at 5am. sometimes he just stays in bed and stares at the ceiling, sometimes he takes out his phone in defeat just to busy himself. but no matter what he does, he feels the familiar coil of anxiety in his gut, telling him something is wrong, you should be scared.

it isn't until three weeks of this that he realizes what's going on.

 

* * *

 

  
he calls sungah and asks her to have coffee with him. she doesn't ask any questions and her tone is almost indicative of her knowing this would happen.

when he arrives at the café, she's already there, nursing a green tea latte. she's wearing a hot pink tank top that ends above her midriff and there's a guy staring creepily at her from the other table. hansol quickly sits down next to her.

"hi, thanks for meeting me," hansol greets meekly.

sungah smiles knowingly and pats his hair (hansol immediately runs his hands through his hair to fix it again when she's done).

"it's okay! i needed a break from the cat lady anyways. i think i'm starting to grow fur on my clothes by now..." sungah complains half-heartedly and as if on cue, picks up a stray white cat hair from her black skirt and frowns at it.

"how's noona?"

"oh hyuna? she's alright, trying to convince me that we should adopt another cat. but i'm too young to be a mother to three cats and my girlfriend," sungah sighs dramatically.

"tell her moya and hoya would be jealous of another cat."

"hmm... good idea," sungah nods. "but that isn't why you brought me here, is it?"

hansol inhales deeply. a waitress approaches them before he has the chance to say anything and so he orders iced coffee. she calls them a cute couple before leaving and hansol feels an empty tug in his stomach, something telling him that this is how it should be - but it doesn't feel right.

"how did you know... you were..." hansol starts, but can't seem to finish the sentence, say the words because it's going to become real if he does.

"gay? the word is not gonna bite you."

hansol doesn't nod but sungah still seems to understand and continues.

"i didn't know. it's not a knowledge thing. it's just that one moment it hits you that there's no other word for what you... feel," sungah shrugs. "i dated a lot of boys when i was younger, slept around for a while too and it was fun but, none of the relationships were satisfying. and i was wondering for a long time if this is all that famous love crap and if so, it's pretty damn disappointing. and then i met hyuna and i don't know. it wasn't the same. i didn't feel like having sex with her or flaunting our relationship like i did with those guys. i just felt like she was right for me."

hansol nods.

"and i guess it's hard to explain. when i first thought i might be gay i was so scared! what would my parents do?! they would surely kill me! but i guess even after trying to deny that part of me for so long, it was still there. i dated other girls before hyuna, shortly. and it was so different from any guy i've dated," sungah pauses and looks at hansol, hot pink nails sliding into her hair.

"are you scared?" she asks.

and hansol can't look her in the eye, can't say yes, because this is the realest and most terrifying moment in his life probably.

sungah seems to understand. she slides her hand over to his and covers his paler hand with her tan, soft one.

she continues speaking softly.

"when i told my best friend i was crying so much and shaking and so scared. and she just up and left the room. the next time i saw her was when she was moving out of our shared dorm. she had requested a room change with our college. i cried for days afterwards, barely got out of my room. i felt like i would lose everyone now. when i told my dad, he told me not to tell my mother, that he would tell her himself. he told me he still loved me and i cried again. and then, after a lot of time, the anxiety lessened, until telling people 'hey, i have a girlfriend' became natural."

hansol takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

"if you're not sure yet... just try it out. try saying it in front of the mirror and try dating a guy. you have all the time in the world," she continues and strokes his hand with her thumb softly.

the waitress chooses this moment to come with hansol's drink. the two separate from each other and end up chatting about hyuna's cats for the rest of their time there. for someone who claims to be annoyed by said cats, sungah sure loves talking about them a lot.

 

* * *

 

  
when hansol comes home that night, it's already past 9pm. jiho is in the living room, the rest of the apartment is quiet and dark, only the buzz of the tv screen disturbing the peace. hansol goes to sit down on the couch next to jiho. jiho moves slightly to get his head on hansol's lap and pretends to sleep.

"yah... i am not gonna be here all night because of you brat!" hansol jokes and tugs on jiho's hair slightly. jiho makes an overly pained expression and whines a little.

"but hyung... i'm such a good dongsaeng. definitely your favorite."

"don't flatter yourself kid," hansol pokes jiho's cheek and jiho groans.

sometimes hansol forgets that jiho is really younger than him, because jiho always takes on the mature role when it's needed of him and he never complains. but jiho is still a kid sometimes.

"remind hyung to take you out for chicken sometimes okay?" hansol says sleepily and lifts jiho's head off his lap and goes to sleep.

"sure hyung, i won't forget!" jiho shouts after him.

 

* * *

 

  
hansol wakes up to a terrible smell. first he's surprised that the sun is out already because he'd gotten used to waking up before the sun rises but then the smell really registers in his brain and he rushes to the kitchen where there's a very distressed jiho trying to... hit a pot with a rug?

"what are you doing?" hansol sighs and comes over to turn off the oven. there's fried rice in the pot except hansol is pretty sure this was supposed to be cooked and not fried to a crisp. hansol takes the pot and puts it in the sink, pouring water over the mess.

"let it stand there for a while and then scrub it out," hansol instructs.

jiho nods and looks at the pot sadly.

"don't tell me you are having a girl over today and wanted to cook for her," hansol sighs.

"no actually," jiho grumbles and hops up on the kitchen counter. "i wanted to make a good breakfast but it went wrong..."

"were you watching these cooking shows again yesterday? i swear i'm gonna ban these in our household."

"maybe," jiho shrugs.

 

* * *

 

  
his art theory class goes well. he doesn't fall asleep this time and instead takes notes lazily (no wonder he was always falling asleep, this class is boring as fuck). byungjoo lets out an overly whiny "wooow" whenever hansol jots something down and hansol is contemplating smashing his textbook over his head but can't, because the professor is glancing at them weirdly every now and then and hansol really doesn't want to draw any more attention to himself.

another "wooooaaaooow" and fake enthusiastic clapping later, hansol is ready to give up on the whole 'not drawing attention thing' and is getting ready to stab byungjoo with his pen - but the class is over and byungjoo is spared of hansol's fury.

byungjoo is already out of the door when hansol is finished packing up - and he forgot his textbook on the table. it has to be byungjoo's because hansol refused to buy his (for such ungodly price, he might as well buy a house) and only has an illegal pdf copy.

hansol quickly looks at byungjoo's schedule in his phone - he's supposed to be in 3C after this - and runs up the stairs.

from above the stairs, voices reach him.

"...fucking nasty faggot," someone hisses out and other voices laugh and there goes byungjoo and that comment was definitely aimed at him, these leering gazes lingering on him for way too long.

"byungjoo!" hansol calls out firmly. byungjoo turns, unclenching his fists and relaxing his body a bit.

"you forgot this in class," hansol smiles at him and byungjoo bows slightly, thanking him.

"hyung's taking you out for lunch after this, okay?" hansol shouts at byungjoo from a distance and byungjoo turns around, nodding. on his way back hansol stares down the freshmen.

"you should be in your class or get out. the third floor is not for hanging out," hansol drawls and narrows his eyes at the kids, suddenly looking much more docile and scared. they scurry away, mumbling a "yes sunbaenim" and hansol feels a strange sense of achievement.

 

* * *

 

  
hansol waits for byungjoo after his sculpting class is finished. the sun shines brightly and hansol enjoys the time he gets on the sun, sketching something in his notepad. byungjoo plops down next to him.

"thanks for waiting hyung," he says shyly and hansol nearly coos at how cute byungjoo is being right now.

they end up going to a nearby vietnamese restaurant and talk over pho ga about byungjoo's final project plans.

"so..." hansol begins nonchalantly "you know these guys from before?"

byungjoo visibly pales and almost chokes on a bean sprout. "ah those... don't worry about them hyung."

hansol remembers sungah when he told her what jiho had called him and suddenly understands her anger.

"you should tell me if someone's bothering you."

"really... it's nothing to worry about. i don't care," byungjoo smiles but it's empty (and there's a bit of a chilli pepper on his teeth, so that kinda ruins it too).

hansol decides to leave it at that for now, but when they go back home, he takes byungjoo around the waist and holds him close, ignoring how red byungjoo gets.

 

* * *

 

 

jiho stops him before he goes to sleep.

"hyung," he says, and his tone is more serious than usual. he has his hand on hansol's arm.

hansol turns around, wants to ask what's wrong, but instead he feels jiho's trembling lips against his own. hansol stands, frozen, not sure what is going on, only feels the warmth in his belly and the way that jiho's hands grip his cheeks and he takes a slight step back, jiho following him. gently, hansol moves his lips against jiho's and feels as if he's floating.

jiho takes a step back, hansol tempted to follow but they break apart. hansol keeps his eyes closed for a while.

"i'm sorry for what i said back then hyung," jiho says, and his tone is almost on the verge of tears, so fragile and one wrong step and the world around them could shatter.

"it's okay," hansol nods and opens his eyes, smiles at jiho softly, and that's all it takes for jiho to start crying, soft sobs of relief and shame and confusion, all these emotions mixing together. and all hansol can do is hold jiho close, hug him to his body and whisper that it's going to be okay.

maybe it's the first time hansol believes it really will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this is the last chapter so far! i might make a sequel but i'm not sure yet. if you liked it or want to say anything to me, please leave a comment! it's the writer's daily bread :)

**Author's Note:**

> i love kim hansol. i also have a lot of issues and i want him to be happy and idk im just venting all my frustrations here.
> 
> big thanks to smugmaster for supporting me and crying with me over being gay and other stuff. also for the memes u a real bro.


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